Another Week Bites the Dust

I've been a bit rubbish at posting this week - I think I've skipped two days!  Mind you, my excuse is pretty solid.  Pain.

After having built up my hopes that the medication was working, I have had a really bad week of pain.  Tuesday and Wednesday were the worst days, with the pain running into the evening which is unheard of normally.

Things were a little easier yesterday - the highest the pain reached was about 5/10 which is pretty hard to ignore but definitely an improvement on the day before.  

Last night was my 12 year old son's first parents evening at secondary/high school and despite being terrified to be amongst so many people (social confidence at an all time low now too), I dragged myself along, drove for the first time in over a month, got there late, avoided speaking to too many people, and made it home two hours later.

My son knew it was a big deal for me and thanked me when we got home, which broke my heart.  I mean.....why should a child have to thank his parent for doing something as routine as going to a parents evening?  Except for me it wasn't routine, and my gorgeous boy was wise enough to know that.

The pain today has topped at 4/10 which is great.  It started early though and lasted until 1pm.  I am also exhausted today after going out last night (albeit not exactly a wild night out and I was home by 8pm!) and the joys of my son having a nosebleed around 1am.

Exhaustion makes me snappish and difficult so this morning was pretty tense and argumentative between husband and I but we seem to have worn that out and harmony is now restored again.

The biggest issue I have at the moment (and I believe this is common for sufferers of chronic pain) is that I am struggling to understand what my purpose is in life.  I can't work, I can barely think straight, I am exhausted, I am not engaging with my son enough, my marriage is kind of on hold until I get myself sorted out.  

I am existing rather than living.  

And that just isn't enough.